Just Thinking

I am fairly certain that I am setting myself up for a fall.

@$%)(*&^%$

I don't really have anything to say, besides the fact that today was a bad day. I am tired of trying. I am tired of working for goals that will never come true. I am tired of things never, and I mean NEVER going my way. I am tired of always being disappointed.

I want to run away a be someone else.

I want out

Wednesday

Today I woke up almost positive that today was the day. The day I had been waiting for, for months. I had speculated and calculated and ran the numbers over and over and over again. And according to all sources I was finally going to find out what I wanted to know so much. I thought to myself no more sleepless nights. No more worrying. NO MORE! and then, what the... sources change their mind. I have to wait til Monday? I have to go the rest of week with out sleeping. Urgh! so frustrated. So many things I can't even begin. Actually I could, but I am sick of words, things just need to start happening. Whatever, end of vent.

Vent Session...

Okay so at this point I am using this blog to vent, and right now my issue is trust. I trust WAY to easily. I seem to take everyone as they appear to me, and hope that I see the complete package. It is flaw and one that I should remedy soon. I trust that when someone tells me something, it is the truth. I trust that when I open up to someone that they will be considerate with how I feel. I have gotten to a point where I don't know how to tell when I am blatantly being lied to my face, and this fact scares me and depresses me. I don't always know what to believe anymore. Honestly, is there something about me that just screams, "Hey, I love to be lied to and tricked and let down." Probably not...but sometimes it seems this way.

As of late, I sometimes sit back and think... Why me?I know everyone thinks this, but at the time that these two words run through your head you are usually hurting. I feel betrayed, and stupid for somehow falling for it again. AGAIN! URGH! I guess I kind of brought it on myself. I was warned, but still trusted and hoped that everyone was wrong and that this person I believed in so much would not disappoint me. Well, obviously I was the one who was wrong, or else I wouldn't be writing this right now. At first it hurt, because I trusted this person with my feelings. I was bitter the day after and tried hard to get over it the next day. Well, now I am to the stage where the bitterness has returned, but with a slight edge of betrayal. I was trying to just, "forgive and forget," but then I find out things that I wish I had known sooner. Things that hurt and break me all over again. I don't really like feeling broken. I guess this is the first time that I have really felt this way, and I never want to feel like this again. Yet, sadly it is bound to happen. I just hope the next time I give someone my trust that they don't abuse it. I hope that they realize how precious and fragile a thing like trust is. Okay vent session over...